


I Don't Know

by realisticromanticbuthopelesslysingle



Category: Shameless (US)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-23
Updated: 2014-07-23
Packaged: 2018-02-10 00:37:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2004165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realisticromanticbuthopelesslysingle/pseuds/realisticromanticbuthopelesslysingle





	I Don't Know

Ian was concerned when Mickey had announced he was passing on dinner and heading to bed early because he was so beat.  He was annoyed after he offered to head upstairs too only for Mickey to turn him down claiming he would be sleep in less than a minute.  He was confused when he heard the shower running.  But he was downright distraught when he heard Mickey talking on the other side of the door.  He couldn't make out what he was saying but it definitely didn't sound like this was about work or collecting.  He listened for a minute more but retreated to bed once the shower turned off.  Mickey's look of shock and uncertainty upon finding him already in bed did nothing to ease Ian's worries.

***

"Hey Mickey"

"Yeah?"

"Are we ok?"

"Whaddya mean?"

"I mean me and you..us.  Is our, you know, relationship ok?"

Mickey turned to Ian with a questioning look, "Yeah sure we are."

Ian never made eye contact and continued staring at the ceiling "Hmm, umm yeah ok I guess."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Firecrotch, by now you should know that I know you better than anyone else.  Plus, I understand your silences and noises for what they really are.  So like I said, what?  What's bothering you, why are you worried that we're not ok?"

Ian smirked knowing that Mickey was right, he knew Ian just as well as Ian knew him.  "Just something I noticed is all.  When you shower I mean."

"Gonna have to elaborate there Gallagher."

"It's different now...since I came back from the hospital I mean.  I know it's only been 2 weeks but it's different, you used to pretend you didn't want me to shower with you but inside I knew you loved it.  Now though I notice you wait to shower.  You wait until you know I can't get in with you.  I guess I'm just wondering if you were doing that on purpose or if it was a coincidence?"

Mickey looked at Ian and decided he had to be honest.  Ian was right it had been two damn weeks and Mickey was tired of pretending and just wanted to get it out there.  Enough was enough already, "Shit Gallagher...ok umm it's on purpose and I was just kind of hoping you wouldn't notice."

Ian felt a panic in his chest and a throbbing in his ears.  This was it, they were done.  Mickey agreeing to stay at the Gallagher house for Ian's first month back had been a compromise supposedly but now Ian thought it was Mickey's way of getting him out of his house.  Now all Mickey had to do was walk away, no big scene, he could leave Ian's heart shattered on the floor and not have to pick up one piece of it.

"Is there...is there someone else or is it because I'm fucking useless now?" Ian's voice cracked as he tried to hold back the tears.  

The sound and the question jolted Mickey and he looked sharply at his boyfriend lying next to him.  "Ian what the fuck?"  

Looking in Mickey's eyes proved to be too much and Ian broke, a small sob escaping his lips as teardrops carrying a lifetime of pain and sadness danced down his face.  "We haven't done more than kiss since I got back, you barely touch me Mickey, and I don't mean like before either.  I mean like I can tell you are avoiding touching me!"  Ian's voice shook with sobs but he surged on, "I told myself it was because we couldn't have Lips room now that he's on break and you didn't want to do anything in front of my little brothers. Then, when I noticed you always took off early to the rub 'n tug on the days where we might end up with some time alone, I convinced myself that you had to be there more so Kev could stay home with the twins to help. But the shower Mick, I can't seem to come up with a lie to tell myself about the shower."

Mickey looked at Ian with wide eyes, he couldn't believe Ian had noticed all of that.  Guess he wasn't as subtle as he'd thought.  "Ian stop crying and let me just explain."

"Explain what?  There's nothing to explain Mickey.  You were never like this, it was never like this. I mean even before we became an us you never worked so hard to avoid me.  My brain is fucked up and useless for most things but I can still understand not being wanted anymore."  Ian attempted to turn towards the wall but Mickey had grasped his shoulders and pulling him close.  "Let me go Mick."

"Fuck no you drama queen.  This is what's gonna happen.  First, stop fucking crying right now, I hate it when you cry.  Especially don't want to be the reason you are crying.  Second, you are gonna stop fucking calling yourself useless.  Being bipolar doesn't mean you are useless and I don't want to hear you say that shit again, don't even fucking think it.  You are not useless Ian, nobody that loves you thinks you're useless.  Third, you're gonna listen to me explain myself and not say a word until I'm finished.  Ok?"

Ian hiccuped and wiped his eyes "Before you start just tell me if you're done Mickey, are you leaving me?"  

He was so wracked with fear that it took him a moment before he could meet Mickey's eyes.  "Ian, I'm here as long as you want me.  There's no one else for me..ever, just you and only you Gallagher."

Ian's sigh of relief was drowned out by the sob he let out simultaneously.

"Listen, no interrupting Ian just listen."  Mickey took a deep breath, wiped a few remaining tears from Ian's face, and began speaking.  "I don't know how to do this without fucking it up man.  The doctors and all their damn pamphlets tell you how to handle a bunch of situations but never this one.  I mean, I know how to help you recognize when you're being manic or when you're spiraling into depression.  I know how to get the best meds at the cheapest price, I can help out here so things are easier on the whole clan of you guys.  I even know how to recognize if something is causing you stress.  But the thing is, none of that shit tells me how to handle missing my fucking boyfriend so much it hurts when he's right in front of me."  Mickey paused and used all his courage to make eye contact with Ian.  "I don't touch you because you make me feel calm and safe and it should be the other way around, I'm supposed to be helping you not bleeding your affection dry.  I avoid being alone with you because all I can think about is finally having you inside me fucking me and kissing me all over, but I know sometimes we can't because of the meds and I don't want you to feel pressured.  I get a hard-on just thinking about you sometimes Ian and I don't want you feeling obligated to bang me or upset when you can't.  I don't give a shit about that but I know you'll still feel bad so I just try and avoid any situations where we are alone as much as possible.  I didn't mean to make you think I didn't want you, I always want you."

Mickey paused and squeezed Ian's hand, silently urging him to talk now that he'd heard Mickey.

"What about the shower Mick?"

Mickey laughed but his face and neck shaded red with embarrassment "Promise you won't laugh"

"Mick you know I won't" Ian responded, but quickly added "I promise" when he noticed how serious Mickey was.

"Ok, well like I said I miss you.  I didn't want to admit it but that therapist of yours was right, sometimes it's easier to talk to a picture than a real person.  So that's what I do.  I take a shower and talk to you."

"What do you say?"

"Mostly that I'm sorry for being a prick all the time and acting like an asshole and that I'm sorry for fucking up so many times and hurting you.  But that I'm glad you're here..we're here now.  That I would do anything for you and I hope you know that.  That I fucking miss sleeping with your arms and legs tangled around me and this side by side bullshit sucks but I will do it every night if that's what you need.  And uh, I always say how much I love you."

Mickey looked Ian straight in the eye as he spoke the last sentence.

"Mickey, I love you so much."  Ian leaned in and kissed Mickey, this time tears of happiness danced down both boys faces.  He held Mickey's face in his hand and said "Mick, I don't know the answer to all of that.  Nobody gave me instructions either.  I do know that I want to figure it out with you, together, and not both of us fighting some battle in our minds but never talking to each other.  Sex with you is never an obligation and always a fucking privilege man.  Even if the meds are messing me up there's other things we can do.  I like making you feel good Mickey, it makes me feel good.  I promise to talk to you now and tell you the days when my soldier can't salute so you don't have to worry about me feeling pressured.  And Mick, we both lean on each other, you won't bleed my affection dry, it doesn't work like that, somehow we always get more."

Mickey and Ian were both smiling now, "And from now on bring me in the shower with you and talk to me.  I know it's stupid but I don't even want you expressing your love to my picture Mick, only me."  Ian said it with a wink as he rubbed his arms up and down Mickey's arms.

"Alright then firecrotch," Mickey laughed as he pulled back the covers "let's get your pale ass into the shower."

 


End file.
